Warm Wishes Delivered Via Facebook

Mother’s Day is no longer a Hallmark holiday.

We’ve abandoned the familiar greeting card in favor of a Facebook post. It’s free (well, Internet connection required), it’s creative (awww, cute photo montage of ourselves as young, mud-smeared kiddos angelically posed in our mom’s laps), it’s heartfelt (look, everyone, see how much I love my mommy!).

And therein lies the problem. It’s a case of wearing our hearts on our sleeve multiplied by at least 200 million. Which makes it not heartfelt at all.

It’s not just a Mother’s Day thing. There’s anniversary posts between spouses, birthday greetings to children not old enough for their own Facebook accounts, etc. You know. You’ve seen them, too. And admit it, you’ve rolled your eyes a few times. Some of this stuff is pure braggadocio at its worst, self-indulgent tripe at its best.

Why are we so compelled to tell our family, friends, spouse, whatever how much we love them on the Internet’s bulletin board? I have a few observations, none of which will win me any popularity contests:

  • We show off (part 1). I’m a great person. I have a charmed life and my relatives/spouse/children/neighbors make it so. I need to let everyone know how wonderful my husband is. Never mind the fact that I screamed at him 22 minutes ago for leaving his tools all over the bathroom floor. Again.
  • We show off (part 2). I’m a great person, because I took the time to compose this message about Mom. Because if I don’t post an elegant, heartfelt tribute about my wonderful mom–you know, like those other caring people–I obviously don’t give a damn about her feelings.
  • We enter the contest. My mom is actually a lot better and a lot nicer than your mom, and here’s my post to prove it. And aren’t you impressed that I was able to retrieve these photos from 1978 so easily? I’m so organized. And don’t you just love my word choices and cute little nickname for her?!

Wait, maybe that’s in the showing off category. Sometimes the subcategories blur a little, because they all fit into the larger category of “Making Myself Look Good” which sometimes seems like Facebook’s sole purpose. But the worst reason to post that sentimental greeting to a loved one:

  • We follow the trend. We read one anniversary greetings post and think, “Wow that was really sweet, I should probs post something about the old man, too.” And there it is. Heartfelt. Sweet. Public. We’ve joined the crowd. We’re ‘part of the conversation.’ God forbid the old man doesn’t acknowledge the post or comment himself on how much he loves you, because that would make you look bad.

Go ahead and chalk these observations up to sour grapes from someone who has less than 100 Facebook friends or whose life is not as sparkling as your own. Truth be told, my mom’s not on Facebook anyway, so the point was mute today. I just gave her a hug.

Warm Wishes Delivered Via Facebook

A Rant for Mother’s Day

When I think of an ideal Mother’s Day, I think of an entire day away from my offspring. At best, that seems an unpopular notion; at worst, I get the sense that people look down their noses at me. You know the “people” I mean, don’t you? Those mothers who are always perfectly coiffed and manicured, whose house looks like a Better Homes & Gardens spread, who write nauseating posts on Facebook about their special children doing such special things.

But I digress.

Why shouldn’t Mother’s Day be a day off from the human beings who make you crazy most of the time? Let’s be honest here: when you have young children and your only moments of peace are spent locked in a fairly (ok, admit it) really dirty bathroom and they are still knocking on the door, even a day at work is bliss. Or when your children are teens or pre-teens and grocery shopping alone is a spa experience. When you’re a mom, isn’t time to yourself is the best gift of all?

But we can’t admit that, we can’t be honest with ourselves or each other, because what kind of monster has that kind of attitude? Right? That’s akin to child neglect. Certainly we can’t come clean and just said it out loud: “my children suck the life out of me on a daily basis!”

This morning at church we had one of those heartwarming videos, where they use a bunch of adjectives to describe mothers, like “hero,” “warrior,” “friend,” “disciplinarian,” etc. As the video went on, I became more and more irritated. All those titles seem like too much pressure for me. Like they were expectations. Like I wasn’t fulfilling my duty if I didn’t live up to them. Truth be told, I just want to be a mom. That seems like enough.


A Rant for Mother’s Day

Enough with the lame FB personality tests already!

Aileen Wuornos

I am Ted Bundy! What’s your serial killer alter ego?

(link to bogus personality survey here)

Evil doesn’t begin to describe the murky recesses of your cerebral cortex. You are a charmer and a killer in one lethal package — and you’re proud of it. Make sure to hide the trophies of your conquests (wink, wink) when expecting company, otherwise you might just have to bludgeon someone else.

So…what serial killer is your alter ego? Do your white pancake makeup and Bozo shoes mask your dark side, a la John Wayne Gacy? Do you express yourself best with a knife, like Jack the Ripper? Or do you channel Aileen Wournos (above) and just cut to the chase with your shotgun?

Yeah. That’s where this stuff is going.

Seriously, can we please stop posting these Facebook personality tests? I love you all, but I don’t care where Buzzfeed says you’re supposed to live or your real age or what color you are. (Believe me, I had my mind made up already before you took the test. Just sayin’.) Please tell me no one takes this crap to heart and starts making life decisions based on what Game of Thrones character they channel—God help you if it’s Geoffrey. In fact, if that’s the case, I’m thinking unfriending you is the best plan of action.

And that’s another thing: if you take the test (and I use that term loosely) and it brings up a not-so-desirable result (Detroit), you could retake it and throw your answers until your survey ego aligned with who you really think you are (Portland). Or you could refrain from posting the results and worry about them for days (“OMG, I’m blue, does that mean I’m suffering from an inner sadness and will never achieve my potential??)

Fess up, you know who you are.

That’s the thing—you know who you are, don’t you? I know this is all cute and funny and not intended to give anyone actual insight into themselves or each other, but stop it already. I don’t need you to post that you’re an artichoke or the color yellow or a grizzly bear.

Then again, your head would be a nice addition to my wall.

Enough with the lame FB personality tests already!